Polygamous By Design - What Came First?

Polygamous by Design

So, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Is it nobler to enter polygamy by falling in love with two or more women consecutively and simultaneously, while doing so spontaneously? Or is it better to come to the conclusion that you are polygamous before ever becoming involved with a woman? To do the former seems spontaneous, but possibly guilty of false advertising. While, to do the latter seems honest but calculating and premeditated. Perhaps those in the first group are more guided by their hearts, while those in the second group are guided more by their head.

Of these two choices I most definitely belong to the latter group. Yep, I'm a control freak. It's not that I can't feel things with my heart, it's just that my head has to be engaged before I let my heart get entangled. I may be somewhat guilty of premeditation, but I'm glad that I was able to come to this realization myself before getting anyone else involved in my crazy dream. It's not easy being a polygamous being in a monogamous world. It's often hard for the women, and believe it or not, it's not always a picnic for the man involved either. One of the hard parts for me was the anxiety I felt in telling a woman that I was polygamous. I didn't want to tell her too soon and chase her away unnecessarily. But, on the other hand, I didn't want to wait too long -- I felt that just wouldn't be fair. I had that talk with a few women. The funny thing is, most of them stuck around after "the speech" and we tried to work things out. Most of them didn't get too far, but at least they were willing to try. That was rather surprising to me. It was surprising that there were young, beautiful women in modern America who were willing to give polygamy a shot. After a couple of years of trying to find the right fit, I did find a young woman who was willing to take it all the way to a commitment. I spent a lot of time with her, teaching her what I knew of this lifestyle. What I knew mainly came from a few books about Mormon polygamy in the 19th century, the film "The King and I" and things that I had been learning in my spiritual relationship with God. There were more references, but there weren't very many. Information about the polygamous lifestyle (especially "how-to" information) was pretty skimpy in the late 80's. Well, we did the best we could with the information I had put together and within a year I had found another woman to bring home to mama. Well, now the real fun began. No matter what you do to prepare for it, there's nothing like living polygamously in a monogamous world to show you what you don't know about polygamy.

Hello everyone. My name is Marshall and I am a polygamist. I wasn't born this way, at least not that I recognize. I've had a serious attraction for the ladies that goes way back, in fact, by the time I had started kindergarten my grandfather had already dubbed me the "Errol Flynn of the neighborhood". Way back at that time all the mothers of the little girls that lived in a two-block radius knew that I had a predilection for a certain game we called "playing doctor". So I started early and I'm not done yet. But I am capable of monogamy. I was completely monogamous during my initial 13 year marriage that produced three girls, one boy and several headaches for their parents. I've said for quite some time that that relationship cured me of the desire for American marriage. I've also been completely monogamous in my present relationship for the past eight years, but we didn't start that way. We've never been legally married, that first marriage did carry quite a marriage inoculation, but that's not the only problem. We've been together for almost sixteen years now and we've been through quite a bit together. Shortly after I met her, I told her that I would always be polygamous and that I already had a "wife" at home, though we weren't legally married -- that inoculation thing. The next time I saw her (a couple days later) she had a list of questions for me -- I was quite impressed. If she was going to get involved in a polygamous relationship, there were some things she wanted answers to! Well, we've been through an awful lot through all these years. We've had two kids and the other wife, who we started out with, had four kids. She left, with her four, eight years ago. The kids still talk to each other, but things got pretty acrimonious between the parents. But through all the good times and the bad times we've shared, we've developed a deep bond that seems to be it's strongest when times are the hardest.

We've recently had to endure another hard time. We watch the HBO TV show "Big Love" every week faithfully. For those of you who don't know, it's the story of a man with three wives living in a Salt Lake City suburb. They deal with a lot of the issues that can come up in a polygamous family. Many of the things this fictional family have to deal with have nothing to do with us, but many of them are very reminiscent of our time in polygamy. It has been very healing for us to watch it together. However, watching the show, communicating with people on the HBO Big Love message boards and discovering some polygamous websites has awakened old feelings in me that have been dormant for years. She is a smart cookie. When she noticed that I seemed a little far away sometimes, she asked me what was on my mind. I had to tell her the truth. I've got a polygamous heart and I don't think that will ever change. She can never be everything to me anymore than I can ever be everything to her. Our time in monogamous solitude is almost over, I'm afraid. No, I don't have another woman ready to move in. It's just a commitment, a state of mind.

So, what does that mean? A polygamous state of mind. Polygamous by design? Well, that's what we're here for, to discuss some of those themes. I'm no expert, in fact I'd guess that others would be more likely to learn from my mistakes than anything I've done right in my personal polygamous life. But I have learned a few things along the way and I think I've discovered some rules for polygamous living. Think of it as a certain mindset for a certain type of polygamous mindset. You're welcome to explore it with me.